Songs In My Pockets... and in my head

Okay, so you know how you walk through life with music orchestrating situations? Maybe it's just me. But like when I'm walking and it's dark at night, my head is flooded with the song and lyrics from Bruce Springsteen's STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA. And when I'm waiting for the bus, the song and lyrics from LOST IN YOU by Frontline plays over and over in my head. And when I'm about to board a plane, Chantal Kreviazuk's LEAVING ON A JET PLANE is the melody in my head. Well, last week I talked to my sister on the phone and she shared with me that my mom had told her a few things about me being here in Seattle that were kinda...no... completely discouraging. Basically, she said that my mom told her that I would never make it out here on my own and that I would fail and would be moving back to Austin in the next couple of months. Talk about Debbie Downer. It's hard enough as a young woman with a career to face the obvious societal and corporate expectations and pressures- but when your own mom doesn't believe that you will succeed... it SUCKS.

I finally got the courage to ask my mom about it and she said that she never said that to her. But I've known my sister for years (duh) and although she lies to my mom about her personal life with Jaime and Vanessa to get my mom off her back or to make things seem better than they are... she knows better than to try to lie to me.

But over the years, I've lost trust, not faith, but trust in my mom. I still love my mom and honor her, and that's why her support in me moving in the first place was such a big deal. But she's hurt me a lot through the years, and she knows it...we've talked. But when I hear things like that, and don't know why that would even cross my sister's mind to lie to me about that- it really does wonders for making you feel like a (pardon the phrase) red-headed step child.

So since that day, I've had one song play over and over in my head everytime I replay the conversation in my mind: Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan. And granted, in one part of the lyrics, she talks about someone holding her, and i'm not going to be dumb and rationalize it to be that she MEANT or was REFERRING TO God...cause let's face it... she most likely wasn't. But that still doesn't negate the power of the lyrics. And if you have itunes, you should take a listen... Sarah has an amazing voice!

but here are the lyrics that play over and over in my head...

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I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it

I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand...
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you can listen to the song online at:
http://www.last.fm/music/Sarah+McLachlan/_/Elsewhere
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So mom, if you're reading this... I'm doing fine. I'm loving it here. I'm not running from you. I'm not failing. I'm getting stronger. I'm finding my voice. I'm growing...in faith and in knowledge. I'm going to succeed. Don't worry about me. I'm not slumming. I'm making great friends and surrounding myself with positive people who are helping me grow in my relationship with God. I will succeed. I still love you. And I can't wait to see you. But until then, I have to do what i feel is right for me.