Half The Girl

Earlier today I posted a tweet on my twitter (for those who have no idea what twitter is...go to twitter.com...they call messages "tweets") which in turn updated my facebook status. And here's what I wrote:

"feels like such a half right now"

So depending on if you read it on twitter or facebook, my name goes in front of the statement. So the Facebookers saw:

"Amanda Martinez feels like such a half right now"

and the Twitter-ers saw:

"amomca feels like such a half right now"

But the more I thought about it the more I wanted to blog about it.

I know that writing it, various handfuls of people may have been thinking different things... like:

- um...has she gone bonkers?
- is she being emo again?
- i knew being single would wear on her
- doesn't she remember that God completes her?
- she must be really desperate for a boyfriend
- those darn idealists...say the absolute weirdest, cryptic things
- she might be a little too creative for her own good...she's LOST it!

To which I might actually blame idealism and creativity...cause I could just say: wishes she could do everything she thinks about in her mind...

But let me let you in on a little secret...I think weird things.

Growing up, I was kind of a weird kid, and as I spent time letting a lot of my quirks come out as I grew up I realized that there's actually a LOT of people who are just (if not more) idealistic and creative (and definitely more) than me. And I LOVE IT!

I thrive on new ideas, new experiences, challenging myself to try something else. Because ingrained in me is a need for order and self-reliance...and consistency...but when I do DARE to try new things, to see things differently...it's overwhelmingly freeing! So all the time, I'm like...half creative emo funky chick and then I'm also like this half needy whiny brat who thinks the world should revolve around her and her schedule.

I mean, it's not enough that I have this creative mind that just runs 24 seven, but I want to do stuff with it...like...all the time. The majority of the time i vent creatively by drawing, or song writing or designing stuff on the computer. But what makes me feel "half" is that I want so bad to take what I love doing and share it with everyone...but not like...on a stage...like...just do something...

I guess the best way to explain it is this:

So not a lot of people know this... but when I was in High School, I took a songwriting course... and have always felt that expressing thought and feeling through music and lyrics is so powerful. And through the years, the songs I've written have grown and matured, and right now, I have about 15 songs in my Mac Journal that I'm super proud of... and I wish I could be in a studio, recording them and designing album artwork... and making a bunch of copies to give to my friends and family. But I know (and please, I'm not fishing for compliments) that I don't have the best voice. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I sing terrible, but I'm not trying out for American Idol any time soon. ;) And I wish I could play guitar... but I lack the discipline to sit down and learn. Cause I would probably play for like a couple of weeks... then all of a sudden, want to storyboard a video and go out and film it and then the next week, i'll want to spend a week drawing and painting and designing stuff... and then I'll decide it's time to focus on work and a consistent life schedule and then I'll get upset cause I'm not "on my schedule." And then I'll start to get restless and the creative side of me will be yelling to get out. So I'll go for a walk, and imagine in my head from start to stop, music videos to songs on my iPod that aren't actually that song's official music video. Then I'll imagine how I would direct it. Then I'll think how bad I want to act in it. Then I'll picture myself as an actress in a movie. And then I'll want to start writing about it. And the I'll think about how much I want to write a book...and this ambitious cycle just pounds and pounds away inside every part of my brain... until I remind myself that I need to stop at the store and go grocery shopping, and then I'll think how I need to be more organized. And how I'm going to organize my shelves in the kitchen, and my room...and then i'll get back to my room and want to read a book and then i want to WRITE a book...and well...you get the point.

It's crazy,, eh?

But the funny thing is...I LOVE IT! I love my life, and I love my brain, and I love the God that inspires me to be creative, and I love that I'm not so deeply creative that I can't be focused when I need to be. And I love that I'm not like most 27 year olds I know, wanting to act so mature all the time, and so intelligent, and seeking to find new philosophies for walking from point A to point B. I love that I see the world differently. I love that I can be silly and not feel bad about it.

So though there are times that I feel like I'm

HALF musician
HALF mother
HALF artist
HALF singer
HALF songwriter
HALF teacher
HALF leader
HALF friend
HALF enemy
HALF wise
HALF silly....

I am wholly in love with my Creator. And I'm totally in love with who He has made me to be. And sure, I might not have a top 40 album...but I'll always have the words...in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, and in my Mac Journal. And I might not have an art exhibit, but I'll never forget how to color outside the lines, and how to draw a puppy dog using basic shapes, and how to draw eyes on drawing paper. And I may not be a Hollywood A-Lister...or B-Lister...or...let's face it...even a Z-Lister. hahahahahahahahahaha! But I still know how to say things with funny accents and how to make funny faces that make people laugh...and (just ask anyone from Ten Student Minsitries) how to do a turkey dance. And I absolutely love every piece of design that makes up who I am. It's amazing to me! So yeah, I feel like HALF a bunch of things... but I'm pretty okay with that.... half the time. ;)

PS: in light of this...please don't think i'm psycho....i'm not. :D