Dreaming My Dreams

I think it's safe to say I had the WORST dream last night. It actually made me wake up crying. It took me a while... some prayer... and a lot of coffee... and some cupcakes to help me get my head straightened out.

In my dream, I had just had a baby, but it was premature... so I was released from the hospital... which was apparently a little run down, since the babies were kept on these cots with small mattresses and railings on the outsides. So I was driving back to the hospital early to go check on my baby girl. When I got there, the docs said that she had had a small heart attack of sorts earlier that morning, so they were there just monitoring her, since she was really fragile. She was so beautiful and I was so enamored with her. And so I was there, stroking her head and just praying so hard... for her to survive and pull through. And so I was there for hours (apparently) because one of the nurses came in and told me to go lay down in one of the rooms because I needed some rest.

And when I came to, they took me to see my baby, and she was different. Smaller. Weaker. And it was obviously a dream because when I woke up, the baby was in a small case and they told me that my daughter had some complications and they needed her to stay in the case, which was filled with ground beef and rice (they said that the sensation of the rice and meat on her limbs would help her gain muscle strength). So I held the case and rocked her in my arms for hours while continually believing she'd pull through. Why I didn't notice the weirdness of rocking a plastic case or rice and meat...i dunno..again.. what dreams are made of. So then I realized I had covered the baby's face in rice and i freaked out. I handed her over to a nurse who tried desperately to save her from choking on rice and meat. And when they brought her out of the case, I noticed she looked odd... but I didn't say anything. But when the baby got up and started walking (yes, walking) they noted that she had grown a 'trunk' and I was like, "A what?"

They said that the trunk is like the spine that helps her walk and sit up. And then when I looked at the baby, she looked a LOT like a Cupie Doll...but like a baby sized one... like so:


Creepy right? So I was like, this isn't my daughter. I don't know what happened...but that's not her.

And the nurses looked at each other... and then one of them came up to me and was like. I'm sorry. But after being physicians for your sister for so many years, we knew what kind of mother she is and we didn't want to risk your child being raised the same way.

(Let me clarify: My sister is NOT a bad mother...she is simply a young mother. I know that she does the best she can and she has learned a lot over the years. There are many things she does that I wouldn't necessarily choose in raising a child, but I know that she is still a good, loving mother who enjoys her children and tries to make life worthwhile for her kids.)

So the nurse told me that they killed my daughter while I was sleeping in the room and started a process to grow a baby that couldn't be harmed for me to take home and raise. Like growing a baby a la sea monkey type stuff. I was so heartbroken and I was screaming at the nurse: I AM NOT LIKE MY SISTER! I AM A COMPLETE OPPOSITE! YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTER! And I woke up, crying so hard.

It was completely bizarre. Just...every aspect of it. I hope I never have to go through that dream again. :(

PS: I know that as of late I've been talking about babies frequently, but I just need to clarify that I'm not in any RUSH to have kids...natural or adopted.