Enough For Now

I know I’m hardly the first one to decide I have had all I can stand. It has always been a myth that people have stopped dying for their freedom in this country, and it isn’t limited to the blacks, and poor immigrants. I know there have been countless before me and there are sure to be as many after. But I also know that by not adding my body to the count, I insure nothing will change. I choose to not keep looking over my shoulder at “big brother” while he strips my carcass, I choose not to ignore what is going on all around me, I choose not to pretend that business as usual won’t continue; I have just had enough.

- Joseph Stack
(pilot who crashed his plane into the Austin IRS building this morning)

There are parts of me that wishes I could clone myself. I could clone myself and seek out the most hurt and anguished people and be a friend. Then I realize I am only one person, meant to be that one person, and even though I couldn't help that man this morning, I can help someone each day so that the "needle never breaks the camel's back" for that person.

I think it's safe to say that "life isn't fair" and that "times are tough" but when I think about the pilot who crashed into the Austin IRS building this morning, I think about what it means to "take matters into your own hands." The thing about taking matters into your own hands is that you have to realize that most of the time, the only things you're holding in your own hands are your own bitterness, rage, malice, pain, and bent towards vindication. Your own hands can only hold so much and usually, the things that get left out of your hand include: family, friends, the standard of society, innocent lives, and maybe even that one person that may have helped you out of your situation in a few days time.

After reading the note that Joseph Stack left behind after burning down his own home and crashing his plane into a building, I was left with wonder. So many questions, so many accusations, and so many thoughts about where this leaves our society. I distinctly remember various points in my life when grown-ups would say, "Violence doesn't solve anything," "We don't hit," "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I don't know if the blame for Joseph's behavior is going to be shifted to the sadness of the daily news, or to the recession, or to MTV, or if they will 'discover' that his parents were 'terrible' parents who never shared those life lessons with their son, and thus will be cast by low-budget actors in an upcoming Lifetime Channel Movie. I personally think it speaks to our ability as human beings to make choices every day—Joseph made or didn't make many choices along the way and ultimately, his choices led to MAJOR damage. And with today's events, I feel pain for that one person who doesn't see this as a tragedy, but as a beacon of hope that one day they can plan out something so that their voice can be heard . . . regardless of who else it affects. I hope that day never comes.

When I was growing up, I did a lot of stupid things. My parents, God bless them, definitely had some issues to work with when it came to me. But I have come leaps and bounds from who I was as a teenager. Through the years, I've learned how to grow past mistakes, how to respond when I am mistreated, how to take a few moments to think my choices through. I'd be lying if I said I made ALL the RIGHT choices ALL the time—but I make an effort. I have a lot of help along the way, of course. I just wish Joseph would have let someone in to help him along the way.

To say, "I wish this never would have happened," is a given. But it's definitely given me (sadly) yet another opportunity to think about how I'm responding to others around me and how I'm dealing with issues in my life, and who I need to let in, and who I need to help when they can't help themselves, and where those lines lay.

Dreaming My Dreams

I think it's safe to say I had the WORST dream last night. It actually made me wake up crying. It took me a while... some prayer... and a lot of coffee... and some cupcakes to help me get my head straightened out.

In my dream, I had just had a baby, but it was premature... so I was released from the hospital... which was apparently a little run down, since the babies were kept on these cots with small mattresses and railings on the outsides. So I was driving back to the hospital early to go check on my baby girl. When I got there, the docs said that she had had a small heart attack of sorts earlier that morning, so they were there just monitoring her, since she was really fragile. She was so beautiful and I was so enamored with her. And so I was there, stroking her head and just praying so hard... for her to survive and pull through. And so I was there for hours (apparently) because one of the nurses came in and told me to go lay down in one of the rooms because I needed some rest.

And when I came to, they took me to see my baby, and she was different. Smaller. Weaker. And it was obviously a dream because when I woke up, the baby was in a small case and they told me that my daughter had some complications and they needed her to stay in the case, which was filled with ground beef and rice (they said that the sensation of the rice and meat on her limbs would help her gain muscle strength). So I held the case and rocked her in my arms for hours while continually believing she'd pull through. Why I didn't notice the weirdness of rocking a plastic case or rice and meat...i dunno..again.. what dreams are made of. So then I realized I had covered the baby's face in rice and i freaked out. I handed her over to a nurse who tried desperately to save her from choking on rice and meat. And when they brought her out of the case, I noticed she looked odd... but I didn't say anything. But when the baby got up and started walking (yes, walking) they noted that she had grown a 'trunk' and I was like, "A what?"

They said that the trunk is like the spine that helps her walk and sit up. And then when I looked at the baby, she looked a LOT like a Cupie Doll...but like a baby sized one... like so:


Creepy right? So I was like, this isn't my daughter. I don't know what happened...but that's not her.

And the nurses looked at each other... and then one of them came up to me and was like. I'm sorry. But after being physicians for your sister for so many years, we knew what kind of mother she is and we didn't want to risk your child being raised the same way.

(Let me clarify: My sister is NOT a bad mother...she is simply a young mother. I know that she does the best she can and she has learned a lot over the years. There are many things she does that I wouldn't necessarily choose in raising a child, but I know that she is still a good, loving mother who enjoys her children and tries to make life worthwhile for her kids.)

So the nurse told me that they killed my daughter while I was sleeping in the room and started a process to grow a baby that couldn't be harmed for me to take home and raise. Like growing a baby a la sea monkey type stuff. I was so heartbroken and I was screaming at the nurse: I AM NOT LIKE MY SISTER! I AM A COMPLETE OPPOSITE! YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTER! And I woke up, crying so hard.

It was completely bizarre. Just...every aspect of it. I hope I never have to go through that dream again. :(

PS: I know that as of late I've been talking about babies frequently, but I just need to clarify that I'm not in any RUSH to have kids...natural or adopted.

California Dreamin'

So, since it's tax season, I feel it only fair to mourn the sad fate of our friends from California...

ARTICLE ABOUT CALIFORNIA TAX RETURN IOU's

I'm sorry Cali. :(

truly.