Dreaming My Dreams

I think it's safe to say I had the WORST dream last night. It actually made me wake up crying. It took me a while... some prayer... and a lot of coffee... and some cupcakes to help me get my head straightened out.

In my dream, I had just had a baby, but it was premature... so I was released from the hospital... which was apparently a little run down, since the babies were kept on these cots with small mattresses and railings on the outsides. So I was driving back to the hospital early to go check on my baby girl. When I got there, the docs said that she had had a small heart attack of sorts earlier that morning, so they were there just monitoring her, since she was really fragile. She was so beautiful and I was so enamored with her. And so I was there, stroking her head and just praying so hard... for her to survive and pull through. And so I was there for hours (apparently) because one of the nurses came in and told me to go lay down in one of the rooms because I needed some rest.

And when I came to, they took me to see my baby, and she was different. Smaller. Weaker. And it was obviously a dream because when I woke up, the baby was in a small case and they told me that my daughter had some complications and they needed her to stay in the case, which was filled with ground beef and rice (they said that the sensation of the rice and meat on her limbs would help her gain muscle strength). So I held the case and rocked her in my arms for hours while continually believing she'd pull through. Why I didn't notice the weirdness of rocking a plastic case or rice and meat...i dunno..again.. what dreams are made of. So then I realized I had covered the baby's face in rice and i freaked out. I handed her over to a nurse who tried desperately to save her from choking on rice and meat. And when they brought her out of the case, I noticed she looked odd... but I didn't say anything. But when the baby got up and started walking (yes, walking) they noted that she had grown a 'trunk' and I was like, "A what?"

They said that the trunk is like the spine that helps her walk and sit up. And then when I looked at the baby, she looked a LOT like a Cupie Doll...but like a baby sized one... like so:


Creepy right? So I was like, this isn't my daughter. I don't know what happened...but that's not her.

And the nurses looked at each other... and then one of them came up to me and was like. I'm sorry. But after being physicians for your sister for so many years, we knew what kind of mother she is and we didn't want to risk your child being raised the same way.

(Let me clarify: My sister is NOT a bad mother...she is simply a young mother. I know that she does the best she can and she has learned a lot over the years. There are many things she does that I wouldn't necessarily choose in raising a child, but I know that she is still a good, loving mother who enjoys her children and tries to make life worthwhile for her kids.)

So the nurse told me that they killed my daughter while I was sleeping in the room and started a process to grow a baby that couldn't be harmed for me to take home and raise. Like growing a baby a la sea monkey type stuff. I was so heartbroken and I was screaming at the nurse: I AM NOT LIKE MY SISTER! I AM A COMPLETE OPPOSITE! YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTER! And I woke up, crying so hard.

It was completely bizarre. Just...every aspect of it. I hope I never have to go through that dream again. :(

PS: I know that as of late I've been talking about babies frequently, but I just need to clarify that I'm not in any RUSH to have kids...natural or adopted.

Call Me When You Get This

HEY HEY HEY! HAPPY TUESDAY!

So earlier today, I got a phone call from the Children's Ministry Coordinator at Westside, where I go to church. And she said that they want me to officially take over leadership and development for the Junior High! CAN YOU BELIVE IT! IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN!

I LOVE those kids and I can't wait to see how God makes all this cool stuff move along! I mean, this is like the BIGGEST answer to prayer ever! I am so so so excited! We'll be meeting soon to go over logistics and share ideas and such... but man. I feel like eating a giant cake in celebration! (I won't, but I'd like to) ;)

Thank you thank you thank you for all of you who have been part of this journey with me thus far—and it's only gonna get better! :D

On another note, today is Cinco De Mayo. I think I might make some mexican food for dinner to celebrate. Although, truth be told, pizza is my weakness...and I have a pizza in my freezer that beckons my name every time i open that freezer door... hmmm. we'll see. In any case, I'd like to say HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO! ... not to be confused with the 6th of May... which is tomorrow.

PS: the plants are growing quite nicely!

World Wide Open

I was talking to someone today about traveling and how much I love traveling.  I really do.  I've never been one to just stay in one small place and be content to never travel.  I mean, c'mon, I live in Seattle now, which is like 2,385 miles away from my hometown of Austin!  That's a lot of distance!  But even though I'm living here, my passion to travel is just as alive as ever.  I still want to go out and explore other places.  So, I figured I would share that with you today.  Here are some of the places I want to visit:


LONDON, ENGLAND
(i really want to go here with my friend Kelley)


MADRID, SPAIN


NUREMBERG, GERMANY
(this is where I was born, and I'd love to go with my dad!)


VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA


BARCELONA, SPAIN

One day, I will visit each of these places!

In the meantime, a new song for you to try...

One of the band members is Brian Bandas, who I had the opportunity of being on the road with doing a MCA tour up the East Coast a few years ago. Back then, he was in a band called Three Nails Short. Now he's in Nashville, playing with a new band called Love and Theft that recently toured with Taylor Swift. If you like their sound, you can find more at their [myspace] page.

That's What Friends Are For

I have been so blessed to have some of the best friends ever!!!  :D   One of my awesome friends is Andrew Simo, who I lovingly refer to as Mo Mo.  I know I don't get a TON of traffic to my blog, but if you don't mind watching Mo Mo's video application for THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD, I would LOVE for you to vote for him at http://www.islandreefjob.com/#/applicants/watch/sJhoIzhGnkE

Here is his application video for you to watch as well:

Mo Mo has stood by me and encouraged me when I was chasing my big dreams and I want to do the same by asking you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go vote for him!  Thank you so much and thank you for checking out my blog!

I'll See You In My Dreams

When I left the house this morning, it was raining...which is nothing new...but then it got lighter and lighter as i traveled from Northgate to downtown to Queen Anne...and now it's bright and sunny outside!

I recently found out that my 10 days of vacation don't kick in until I've been here a year, so naturally, since I know I can't do something, I feel the need to do it anyway... so today I looked out the window as I started eating my lunch and I went on a little imaginary vacation!  :D

I started out with a visit to Seaside, CA to visit K.Rowe and we had coffee at Starbucks and brought it to the library on campus because we A) prefer Starbucks to Peets, B) think that Peet's should know they suck, and C) absolutely HEART the library... i mean really, how do you beat great conversation surrounded by books and starbucks? We chatted for a few hours and then we went to the theater to see Coraline together.  It got kinda dark and scary, so i distracted Kel with some random jokes to take her mind off the creepiness.  Then we went to dinner at a local pizza joint and laughed and laughed some more and talked about Kip, the YouTube guy and about friends back in Austin.  She gave me a giant hug as her and Amanda Beartinez sent me off on my 'Bjork Cloud' as I took a shortcut to Bakersfield...

To see Lisa!  And to have tea with Lisa as we talked about creativity and writing and life post MC.  Then I had to hurry and catch the plane to Colorado to see Brooksie & Hannah, Brenty Poo, Seanny Wafa & his beautiful bride, and Gracie Loo & Sean O.B.  We all met up together at The Melting Pot and talked about our lives and shared great memories and Brooks told me all about some new jobs he was doing as well as some new programs to check out for my Mac.  Then I'd give everyone giant hugs and hop on my super turbo segway and speeding off to the ATX...

To see my family...everyone!  I had lunch with dad and cindy, dinner with mom, lunch with my brother, and dinner with my sister and the kiddos  :D  Then I took Vanessa and Annabelle out shopping and out for dinner at Chick Fil A!  After stuffing our faces with chicken nuggets, waffle fries and sweet tea, I bought Vanessa 2 brownies before taking them home to their mom (yes, I do this often...hey, it's what i'm here for! ;)  ) 

I had to catch a quick nap and then when I woke up, I borrowed my mom's mini van to go to Genuine Joe's to have lunch with the MCA staff!  We laughed and laughed and talked about life and about random SNL skits and other fun stuff.  I ordered the Obama Mocha (it's delish!) and made sure to get whip cream on my nose like I always do. P.Dan gave me the "oh brother. there she goes again" look and Norphy just shook his head slowly while staring at the ground.  :D... mission accomplished!  When we got back to the MC office, I took all the 2nd and 3rd years out to lunch at Freebirds and we stuffed our faces with awesome burritos!  Then I walked over to the worship center and went upstairs to hang out with Brian, Justin and Datkins in their office/s as we laughed and laughed and told hilarious jokes!  For dinner, P.Jesse and Crista invited me over for din (mom's mini van saves the day again!) and we got to talk about the amazing time I'm having in Seattle and I just get to enjoy their company so much!   It was about 9:00 p.m by the time I got back to central Austin and decided to call up a bunch of MCA alumni to join me for some fun times and coffee at Epoch...and they ALL came!  Some of my high school friends even showed up!  After a few hours of that I decided I should get some sleep before I had breakfast with Lainer Bob and the Masbruchs.  We all overslept (cause we can) and decided to just do brunch at Shady Grove.  We had great food, and after talking about all there is to talk about, I was ready for a siesta...  but with this vacation coming to a quick end, I gave them big hugs and took mom's mini van (a la my brother) and drove to Louisianna...

Where I was greeted with giant hugs and smiles from all my friends at OSC in Broussard!  I got to go to lunch with all of them and just reminisce and talk about their lives and what's going on and I got to give Kayla a special hug, because I wanted to make sure that baby Norman felt the love too!  We laughed so hard and just encouraged one another and I left feeling like a piece of me was back...but not complete yet, because I still needed to make a few more stops...like the one to the ATL!...

Where I had dinner with Joy and Britt!  They indulged me by joining me for a little shopping at Atlantic Station before we headed back to Joy's for an impromptu slumber party...full of chocolate and fun snacks...and healthy food too..of course  ;)  .   The next morning I made us all breakfast tacos and after grabbing my To Write Love On Her Arms shirt from Joy's closet, I decided to fly to BALTIMORE, MARYLAND...

To see my BEST EVER FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!  We had such a great time hanging out.  We called up Stacey and invited her to join us for some fun down by the Inner Harbor...and we were lucky because she showed!  We got burgers and Thrasher's fries and headed to the Aquarium for some fun and then sat by the pier and just talked about how much we've changed since we last saw one another.  When out of the blue, Sarah had the perfect idea: LET'S ALL GO GET PEDICURES in the Galleria!  So we did.  Eventually, I had to say bye to Stacey cause me and Sarah were going to go have dinner with her parents, and then Sarah was going to join me for my next stop.  We hopped in her car and took of with laughter.  After singing about 100 songs out loud, obnoxiously off key, we pulled into a parking garage in...

TIMES SQUARE!  We spent the rest of the evening walking around the square and then headed to our luxury hotel suite.  After sleeping in and ordering room service, we had a great QT together and decided to hit the town!  We had so much fun walking around Times Square and going to Rockefeller Center and Central Park!  That night, we had a nice dinner (meatballs) and watched The Phantom Of The Opera live on Broadway.  The next day we decided to take a short trip to DC and go check out the National Mall and the Holocaust Museum...and we just enjoyed each other's company so much!  Our last stop together was Syracuse to see her mom's side of the family!  I had so much fun hanging out with my 2nd family and just loved seeing everyone again!

But alas, the trip was ending... so I hopped a red-eye flight back to the West Coast...and had a 7 hour layover in Anchorage, Alaska!  Danny Allen came to pick me up from the airport while the airport USO held my stuff in their storage locker...and me and Danny went out to eat and just spent so much time laughing and reminiscing about the MCA days!  And after I gave him a hug, just for old time's sake....I threw a carton's worth of eggs at him and said, "hmm.. shoulda worn your black clothes!"  hahahahaha!  Then I hopped on the flight back to Seattle and spent the next day hanging out with all my friends here in Seattle!  :D

It was a whirlwind of a trip!  :D

Dancing Dirt Into The Snow

Great news everyone! The 2010 Winter Olympic Games are coming to VANCOUVER, BC!!! That's like 3 hours away from where I live!! woot!! I was telling my friend that if it's that close to where I live and I don't at least make a genuine effort to go...I'm a moron!

Of course, with my luck, if I DID go, I'd probably trip and fall down a slope or something... the news report would go something like this:

AND TODAY, REPORTING FROM THE 2010 WINTER GAMES, WE HAVE SOME POOR CLUMSY MEXICAN GIRL FALLING DOWN A SLOPE AND LANDING FACE FIRST IN MOOSE POOP!"

cue awkward footage of me, stumbling to my feet, yelling, "I'm okay guys! Nothing to see here! I'm good! That'll be $5 from each of you... comedy comes with a cost...if you laughed, pay up... hahahahaha...kidding...kidding...okay...i'm done."

Really.

I don't think I'd be able to go to the Opening Ceremonies...which would be phenomenal... but would also set me back $1,118. I mean...they better be handing out gold medals to attendees in the stands for that price! ;)

But I wouldn't mind going to some of the individual competitions. I mean, I wouldn't mind BEING in them either...if I had the talent and skill. I decided to make a parody of the priceless master card thingies after thinking about the 3 that I would choose to attend:
FIGURE SKATING


SNOWBOARDING


and LUGE.


They're much cheaper than going to the whole thing...and really they're the only ones I care about. But I'm going to be looking into attending and stuff...i mean, it's still a year away..and with the way the economy is going, they might just lower the prices... wink wink. yeah, i doubt it too. :D

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore

I think it's safe to say that I've reached a point where the pieces don't fit anymore. You know, that moment when you've resolved to chasing your dream and you're so in love with where your life is at, that the thought of returning is just too outrageous. I have loved visiting people here in Austin, but with 4 days left, I can't help but feel this anxiousness to get back to Seattle. I can't wait to see Jessica and Joseph and Jesselyn and Christiaan and Pastor J. and Deb and Amanda and Corbett and everyone!

I remember when I was leaving, I was so nervous, so many thoughts about whether I would survive away from it all, and what my life would look like when I came back to visit. But coming back, I realize that I have to be where I'm at. Because the pieces of my world here don't fit in my life anymore. Things have changed, people have come and gone, things are moving on, and I get to be a smaller distant part of it, and that's what I need. :D I get to see all the awesome things going on, and I get to go back to what I will call home for a really long time. :D

I am finally beginning to realize the beauty in change. The freedom in chasing a dream, and seeing it come to life. It's so amazing! And I am truly blessed to have all the people in Austin who have helped me get to the place where I am now! They made so many things possible. And I'm so glad that the pieces in Seattle do fit so perfectly!

So for all my Austin friends, I hope I get to see you guys before I leave and that you guys continue to grow and grow and grow...

and to all my Seattle friends, I'm coming home soon! I miss you much and I can't wait to see you all and hug you!

and to my family: thanks for being so awesome! I will see you again in June/July! And someday, I hope you guys will ALL understand why I need to be in Seattle and that I love you so much despite the distance! :D

Amo- out! :D

Oldest Story In The World

I had the awesome opportunity yesterday to teach Life Lessons for the Master's Commission of Austin crew, and I got to share about my transition from Austin to Seattle. I based the majority of it from my blog about THE RESOLUTION (see blog post list on the side bar for reference).

Here are the points I discussed:

GET A GRIP:
- Find your passion and hang on tight!
- If you don't know what your passion is yet, ask yourself these questions:
-> What matters to me?
-> What makes me happy?
-> If someone gave me one hundred million dollars and said, "Go chase your dreams" what would I do?
- Focus on making it real. Don’t just focus on making it happen, make it real and make it matter.
- Focus on the right things while you're in Master's
- Don’t get so caught up in the drama of who likes who, who’s cute? who’s my future mate material. Focus on, when I meet my future spouse, what substance am I bringing to the table? Am I going to bring a half to the whole or am I going to bring another whole person to the whole of me and my future spouse?

HIDDEN IN YOUR HEART:
- A scripture is just a scripture until it means something to you
- Scriptures that have guided me: Hosea 13:4-6; Psalm 51:6
- Hosea> I promised myself that no matter where God takes me in life, I cannot risk forgetting Him. I cannot let myself forget Him. Because if I forget Him, I forget who I am.
- Psalm> Honesty is hard. And the easiest person for me to lie to is God. This is my gut check verse. You gotta be honest with God. And you gotta be honest with yourself.

A LITTLE HELP HERE PLEASE:
- Have someone or some people in your life that you allow to get into your heart and really push you to stay on course.
- Who is helping you get to where you need to go?
- Who is speaking into your life?
- Whose life are you speaking into?
- Will you keep it up even when you don't feel like it?
For a reference point, you can send an email to your 'future' self at www.futureme.org

KNOW YOUR ROLE:
- Are you a superhero, a sidekick or a villain? (I choose to be a sidekick)
- Will you do something you dislike if it meant saving your life?
- what about someone else's life?
- What's more important: being RIGHT or being GODLY?
- If you go somewhere with this giant ego, thinking that your skills and outstanding ability to do a stomp routine are going to get you a step up in life and are going to land you that huge high paying job, you may find yourself camped out permanently in the unemployment line.
- People are watching every move you make, and what you do matters, both positively and negatively. With this new opportunity to do youth ministry, I’m not out to be superwoman. I’m looking to be an awesome sidekick for God and my senior pastor.
- The mentality of “I’m a second/third year/staff so you have to do what I say ALWAYS scares me.” Because when you’re in a real life situation, that doesn’t work. Ever.

LET'S GET REAL HERE:
- When you are on the way to chasing ANY dream, there will ALWAYS be obstacles. There will be setbacks. There will be hard times. There will be great times! There will be times where you feel you can't go on or you're failing. Have a game plan. Remind yourself to pray. Remind yourself to be accountable.
- What scares you the most about your life outside of the Master's bubble?
- What are you doing to do when it happens?

--------------------------------------------
RESOLVE TO GET THERE.
RESOLVE TO BE SUCCESSFUL, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES LOOK LIKE
RESOLVE TO GIVE LIFE ALONG THE WAY
RESOLVE TO LIVE
--------------------------------------------
Live in the Resolution.
--------------------------------------------

Half The Girl

Earlier today I posted a tweet on my twitter (for those who have no idea what twitter is...go to twitter.com...they call messages "tweets") which in turn updated my facebook status. And here's what I wrote:

"feels like such a half right now"

So depending on if you read it on twitter or facebook, my name goes in front of the statement. So the Facebookers saw:

"Amanda Martinez feels like such a half right now"

and the Twitter-ers saw:

"amomca feels like such a half right now"

But the more I thought about it the more I wanted to blog about it.

I know that writing it, various handfuls of people may have been thinking different things... like:

- um...has she gone bonkers?
- is she being emo again?
- i knew being single would wear on her
- doesn't she remember that God completes her?
- she must be really desperate for a boyfriend
- those darn idealists...say the absolute weirdest, cryptic things
- she might be a little too creative for her own good...she's LOST it!

To which I might actually blame idealism and creativity...cause I could just say: wishes she could do everything she thinks about in her mind...

But let me let you in on a little secret...I think weird things.

Growing up, I was kind of a weird kid, and as I spent time letting a lot of my quirks come out as I grew up I realized that there's actually a LOT of people who are just (if not more) idealistic and creative (and definitely more) than me. And I LOVE IT!

I thrive on new ideas, new experiences, challenging myself to try something else. Because ingrained in me is a need for order and self-reliance...and consistency...but when I do DARE to try new things, to see things differently...it's overwhelmingly freeing! So all the time, I'm like...half creative emo funky chick and then I'm also like this half needy whiny brat who thinks the world should revolve around her and her schedule.

I mean, it's not enough that I have this creative mind that just runs 24 seven, but I want to do stuff with it...like...all the time. The majority of the time i vent creatively by drawing, or song writing or designing stuff on the computer. But what makes me feel "half" is that I want so bad to take what I love doing and share it with everyone...but not like...on a stage...like...just do something...

I guess the best way to explain it is this:

So not a lot of people know this... but when I was in High School, I took a songwriting course... and have always felt that expressing thought and feeling through music and lyrics is so powerful. And through the years, the songs I've written have grown and matured, and right now, I have about 15 songs in my Mac Journal that I'm super proud of... and I wish I could be in a studio, recording them and designing album artwork... and making a bunch of copies to give to my friends and family. But I know (and please, I'm not fishing for compliments) that I don't have the best voice. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I sing terrible, but I'm not trying out for American Idol any time soon. ;) And I wish I could play guitar... but I lack the discipline to sit down and learn. Cause I would probably play for like a couple of weeks... then all of a sudden, want to storyboard a video and go out and film it and then the next week, i'll want to spend a week drawing and painting and designing stuff... and then I'll decide it's time to focus on work and a consistent life schedule and then I'll get upset cause I'm not "on my schedule." And then I'll start to get restless and the creative side of me will be yelling to get out. So I'll go for a walk, and imagine in my head from start to stop, music videos to songs on my iPod that aren't actually that song's official music video. Then I'll imagine how I would direct it. Then I'll think how bad I want to act in it. Then I'll picture myself as an actress in a movie. And then I'll want to start writing about it. And the I'll think about how much I want to write a book...and this ambitious cycle just pounds and pounds away inside every part of my brain... until I remind myself that I need to stop at the store and go grocery shopping, and then I'll think how I need to be more organized. And how I'm going to organize my shelves in the kitchen, and my room...and then i'll get back to my room and want to read a book and then i want to WRITE a book...and well...you get the point.

It's crazy,, eh?

But the funny thing is...I LOVE IT! I love my life, and I love my brain, and I love the God that inspires me to be creative, and I love that I'm not so deeply creative that I can't be focused when I need to be. And I love that I'm not like most 27 year olds I know, wanting to act so mature all the time, and so intelligent, and seeking to find new philosophies for walking from point A to point B. I love that I see the world differently. I love that I can be silly and not feel bad about it.

So though there are times that I feel like I'm

HALF musician
HALF mother
HALF artist
HALF singer
HALF songwriter
HALF teacher
HALF leader
HALF friend
HALF enemy
HALF wise
HALF silly....

I am wholly in love with my Creator. And I'm totally in love with who He has made me to be. And sure, I might not have a top 40 album...but I'll always have the words...in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, and in my Mac Journal. And I might not have an art exhibit, but I'll never forget how to color outside the lines, and how to draw a puppy dog using basic shapes, and how to draw eyes on drawing paper. And I may not be a Hollywood A-Lister...or B-Lister...or...let's face it...even a Z-Lister. hahahahahahahahahaha! But I still know how to say things with funny accents and how to make funny faces that make people laugh...and (just ask anyone from Ten Student Minsitries) how to do a turkey dance. And I absolutely love every piece of design that makes up who I am. It's amazing to me! So yeah, I feel like HALF a bunch of things... but I'm pretty okay with that.... half the time. ;)

PS: in light of this...please don't think i'm psycho....i'm not. :D