Monday, September 15, 2008

My Father The Hero

Okay, so my dad has only been in Iraq for 3 weeks and 2 days and i am missing him like crazy! I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make it for a whole year. Seriously!

And what sucks the most is that I haven't been in communication with him for the past 8 days... and before that, we were on Skype every day talking.

For the past 3 nights, I've woken up in the middle of the night, sweating and scared because I keep having nightmares about him dying. And then i stare up at the ceiling for about 5 minutes, pray for peace, and then toss and turn till my body finally decides to go to bed. The first night, I woke up and cried for a good 10 minutes. In my dreams, I am either right there with him when he dies, or I'm watching him from a distance and a bomb goes off, or I get a phone call saying that he's dead.

The fact that I haven't heard from my stepmom since last Thursday is kinda reassuring, because I'm sure she would email or call me if something was wrong...

and then the mind begins to wander...

"What if she forgets to call me?"
"What if she doesn't want me to know?"
"What if it's too late?"

so many questions... so many thoughts... none of them peaceful.

I have been reading verses on PEACE for the past 2 days, hoping that as I continue to hide the words in my heart, my day will get better...

but I'm still fighting I guess because the thought keeps jumping into my mind periodically through the day.

I know that it is obviously hard for wives or husbands whose spouses are in the army... but I can't even begin to describe the strong, deep emotion that comes from a daughter's heart when she continually knows that there is a risk that she might actually lose her dad. That he won't be there to give her away when she gets married.. that he won't get to hold her kids when they are born.

The thoughts crowd my mind daily... and sometimes I just refuse to open SKYPE because I know I'll be crushed if he's not on there...

And I even wake up hours earlier than I normally would, because of the time difference...

but I still haven't heard back.

I just hope and pray that he's safe...

and that if something does happen, someone calls me!

... sorry, i know this post is sadder than most, but hey, it's my life, in my words.

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