Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tripping Billies

Okay so today's post is a bit of a rant... but it's a funny rant
(at least, I think it is).

So I was checking my email earlier this morning and I was emptying my SPAM folder and I noticed an email that had the title: FRIEND REQUEST: AMANDA, I LIKE OLDER GUYS.

And I couldn't help but laugh. Because not only am I NOT old, I'm most definitely NOT a guy either. And I know that I should just ignore and delete, but after getting like so many emails crowding my email... even though it goes straight to SPAM, I just get so annoyed at how little thought goes into the emails that spammers send.

Not only is half the email grammatically incorrect- I'm not sure who would want to buy a watch from someone who can't even spell "Rolex" and "cheap."

But they don't even offer me things I'd even REMOTELY be interested in. My name is Amanda—not Armando, not Raymundo, not Amman— it's Amanda. Amanda is not a unisex name. It's not Randi or Corey, Adrian, or Taylor. It's Amanda. So I'm DEFINITELY NOT going to need to make my penis grow 10 inches. Cause well... I DON'T HAVE ONE. And sometimes I feel like emailing them back and asking if somone has stolen my identity and subscribed to some lesbian sites... because all these offers for drugs to "pleasure my girlfriend" and "make her happy" really just don't apply to me. AT ALL.

And the email I referenced earlier, was sent by some spammer who is like, trying to kill 9 birds with 2 stones... cause there were 3 different web links for 3 different "companies" with different names. So either KELLI21 is desperate for me to see her picture (which I won't) or "she's" not smart enough to change her name and send 3 separate emails. On second thought, I'm kinda glad "she" only sent one.

So I'm sorry, KELLI21, I won't be clicking on your link. Because let's face it, I know you're a 40 year old single fat guy who gets paid 25 cents an email to send out SPAM emails while lounging in your boxers in hopes that some creepy weirdo will follow the link and spend money on a picture of you, which probably actually resembles a picture of Kate Beckinsale with a weird combo of Giselle Bundchen's body, Christina Ricci's nose, and Angelina Jolies distinctive tattoos. But thanks for the offer and thanks for crowding my email. And by thanks I mean GET A REAL JOB, YA CREEP!

PS to all the spammers out there:

1. I bat for the home team. I'm into guys, not girls.
2. I have a cell phone and don't need your watches.
3. I am female and have female parts... permanently.
4. Somewhere, your 5th grade english teacher is hanging her head down in shame because you learned... NOTHING.


1 comment:

Kelley R. said...


I usually don't even look at my SPAM folder. Every once in a while, but it's pretty rare. I just seem to get a whole bunch of, "Hello, my name is Prince Lolijama. Help me illegally secure the estate of someone you've never met so that I can steal most of the money and you can have a cut."

Even if they weren't scams I don't think I'd approve...